Okay, I am having a really hard time already..and it really sucks. I want to be able to say that I did this all on my own, but I can't. Not without help. I am struggling with the confidence I know that it takes to do this. I need to lose weight and be healthier for my own sake, but I really need help getting to a point where I don't give up after five minutes of working out, or whatever. ugh...bad day..

So I started taking my vitamins today, and I'm counting my calories. Breakfast was hard for me to do because my mother in law wanted to take me and my brother in law out, and so I didn't eat so well....but I am determined to stay within my calorie count for the day. I am allowing myself 1330 calories for the whole day and I did terrible for breakfast eating 600 of those calories...so that wasn't good. But I have my shakes that are only 120 calories a piece and I can have one for lunch with some fruit or veggies or something. I am still feeling good. I think when I'm done with this I'm going to get up and do a work out to help get rid of the breakfast I ate...haha!
Ryan and I are going to go grocery shopping tonight and I think that will be fun because I can pick out some fun stuff to eat that will be easy to cook and "recycle" for lunch the day after. :) I'm in a good, motivated mood today and I really want to stay this excited about things!

Week one

I figured that I would start out this process by figuring out what is happening in my head. And by that I mean, why I go to food for everything in my life, and how I can avoid doing that from now on. I know that food is the symptom, but what is the cause? Why do I use that as my defense?
I do not look at myself and see someone who is fat and gross. I see someone with a lot of energy and personality. Its not until I look at pictures and see myself in another light...that's when I feel bad. And sadly, when I feel bad, I eat. When I have a bad day, I think that food will make me feel better. And it does. I love how satisfying a cupcake is, or a burrito. It is wonderful to get that feeling that everything is okay. And then I finish my food...and I realize what I have done. And then I feel worse than before, so for a few days I eat better. But then something happens, and it can be bad, or good or scary or boring, and I think that food will change it or make it better, and the cycle continues.
So now, the next step is it realize that no matter why I go to food, or what makes me think it will make things better; it is to learn that I can use other outlets to feel better or make my life better. I know what my problem is. I also know that I have the capability to change things, and right now I have the motivation. I want to have kids, and that will be a million times easier if I am not so over weight. I know that I will also benefit from being healthier because I will feel better about me.
Now, reading this back; I see how cliche that sounds, and maybe it is. But really, the thing about all of this is for me to believe that I can do it, and just do it! I am in good space right know and I have an incredible husband who is there to support me and make sure that I hold myself accountable for the not so fantastic things I do, and the milestones I reach. I get to be excited about the good things, no matter how minute, and I need to be aware of the negative things that happen.
So now that all of that is out in the open I am feeling even more motivated to get this whole thing started. I am going to go grocery shopping to get all kinds of yummy, healthy food and start my diet plan, which of course I will be posting here. :) And then it will be figuring out my workout plan. :) Here we go kids...

It's time...

Growing up, I always saw myself as the fat friend; the one that people thought was pretty in the face, but gross everywhere else. After I graduated high school I got into a serious relationship, and in turn, got comfortable. I think that is why I gained so much weight. I figured that I would never be that fat because I would get rid of the weight before it got to that point. But at what point in my weight gaining process do I say, "enough is enough"? At what point do I say, "it's time for a change"? I think that time is now. I need to stop hiding behind my weight and start taking care of myself.
So I am going to start logging on and talking about how I'm doing, and what I'm struggling with; sort of my online journal. I need to be held accountable for my actions, and this is the best way I know how to do that. I am going to start working out and eating right and making myself feel better. I am really hoping that I can stay motivated enough to just do it! I have a lot of motivation right now, and I hope I can pull that through the whole time I'm trying to get back into shape. :)

Ally McBeal

Wow! It has really been a long time since I've blogged! This is insane! I thought I was going to be so good at this! Sadly, I haven't been so good at it. I really will try to be better!

So I started watching Ally Mcbeal on Netflix and it brought back a whole lot of memories! I watched it growing up with my mom, and it's funny how things bring back memories in the strangest way for me. Most of the time it's a certain smell that brings me back, but sometimes it's a TV show or a song and everything starts to come back in waves. I remember being about 12 or 13 and every Monday night Ally McBeal would come on and it was something that my mom and I could do together, it was the only thing that we could do together at the time. Just watch the show. I remember her putting this oil; this scented oil in a small speckled pot on top of the wood stove in the living room that smelled like lavender, and that is what I think of when I watch this show. I think of lavender and my mom.

It's odd though, because it's not like that is the only time my mom burned that lavender oil-when Ally McBeal was playing, but that is the only time I think about the lavender oil. I don't have a lot of really wonderful memories with my mom, but for some reason this sticks out, and when I watch this ridiculous show, I think of her and I smile. I think I smile because I know that we aren't close, and I know that to my mom, I come second to her husband and my brother, but I like to think that we have at least a few good memories.

Wow...that was slightly depressing...and it wasn't meant to be. Haha! Some how I manage to do that far too often...I think the point I was trying to make was nostalgia. haha. I just wanted to say that I really do have some good memories from my childhood, no matter how weird they are...

Once Upon a Time

It's interesting how life just takes it's twist and turns without any regard to how it might make things for you. It's hard sometimes to know all the right things to say, and all the right things to do. I hate not knowing if I made the right choice about this or said the right thing about that. But I guess in the end, all that matters is that in the end, whatever choices you made are choices that you are at the very least comfortable with.

I know that when you're a kid, everything looks and seems different. I was a princess in disguise; my mom was the most beautiful queen, and my dad was my protector. I thought that nothing would ever change. Then, as I grew up, my life changed, and so did the way I saw it. I thought that nothing could be worse that realizing that your mom and dad aren't flawless, that seemed to be the hardest thing to cope with. But I was wrong again. Becoming an adult. Now that's the really hard part about life. When you're an adult, for some reason, people think you don't want to believe in fairy tales anymore. I still do; want to believe in fairy tales that is. I want to believe that good will always conquer evil, and that love so strong that it can move mountains really does exist. I want to believe that everything ends with happily ever after.

I'm tired of people thinking that the mystery has to go away because you're an adult now. So I am making a conscious decision to keep the fairy tale alive in the world I live in. :)

And the Oscar Goes to....

I really thought I'd have more things to blog about...it seems that we are always busy, and somehow, when I sit down to write a blog, nothing comes to mind that might even be a little bit entertaining to blog about. We are constantly out doing things with our friends, like movies, and games nights, but even though they are soo much fun, it's nothing super special. Then, on Sunday, some of our friends invited us to an Oscar party. We were all going to mark who we thought would win each Oscar and whoever got the most correct would win the pot. It was 5 dollars a person. and it was a lot of fun.

We started the night off at Joe's Crab Shack before the show started. Of course, on top of the amazing food they have wonderful cocktails! So Jillian and I had one, and then Jillian had another one...lol. Dinner was of course amazing, but it was time to get the party started! So we headed to Kelsey and Spencer's; but none of us really knew where we were going. So the adventure really began, after 15 minutes of driving, we finally got to our destination and headed inside to cast our votes. I decided that since it was an Oscar party that I would make tiny cucumber sandwiches as my contribution. They were a big hit. And Although I came in third on my voting and didn't win,we still had fun. I enjoyed watching the Oscars with my friends. I think my favorite part was the "musical" montage.

So hopefully soon, something equally as fun will happen and my blogging will become a bit less staggered. :)